Confidence – Reality vs Perception, Fake-It-Till-You Make-It & The Voices I Hear

I was required to give an oral book report in an English class. I was beyond frightened to speak in front of the class. As I stood there, downcast eyes reading my notes, I fought the nausea, I fought the tears, I saw floating spots, I had to lean against the wall to keep up-right, I feared my pounding heart would explode. Afterwards, the teacher said she was impressed at how poised and confident I was. I got an A+. To this day I am stunned at how my reality and her perception could be so blatantly contradictory.

I was telling a friend I was terrified to have another MRI. She was adamant I could not be afraid because I was the strongest woman she knew. I explained I had become claustrophobic once in the tube and had a panic attack. She still insisted, demanded, I was too strong to be afraid of anything, especially something as trivial as an MRI. My reality and her perception were not in agreement.

As a side note, strength does not equate to fearlessness and confidence. Even if it did, I am not strong 24/7.

Out of these and similar experiences, “fake it till you make it” became my mantra. I reasoned if reality and perception are often so vastly different, why can’t I intentionally create the perceptions I want? This introvert began pretending to be an extrovert. I should be on Broadway.

I have a granite slab of true confidence and a chunk of fake it. I have gained true confidence from learning, practicing and continuing to expand the skills needed for a given task. Amazingly, and important to note, through the years I have become genuinely confident in areas where I was initially faking it.

Like the Native tale of the two wolves, my inner dialogue to myself about myself has two distinct voices, voices diametrically opposed in message. Truth and lies. Reality verses perception.

My truthful inner voice says you are a success, you will continue to succeed going forward. You are intelligent and talented. Your worth does not depend on others’ opinions. You are strong. You are enough. My truthful inner voice is always there. My truthful inner voice encourages and reinforces my confidence.

My fears are amplified by the inner troll voice that whispers you can’t, you will fail, you will be ridiculed, you are lacking. I’ll let a good psychiatrist figure out where the negativity comes from. Perhaps childhood trauma, adult trauma, being a Southern woman born in the 1950’s, or just an all-around lack of acknowledgement when I was vulnerable. Does it matter at this point? I am not looking to place blame.

I am looking to know why my truthful inner voice isn’t thunderous and overwhelming. Why do I listen to any other?

Because that damned troll’s whispers are on auto-play in a lullaby cadence. It plants insecurities and then plays on those insecurities. It is a convincing liar.

I don’t want to stay in this verbally abusive relationship. How do I live in truth and remove the troll from of my head and heart? Is it akin to the wolf tale? Who am I feeding?

I have learned when I hang affirming statements where I can see them and repeat these affirmations aloud, the troll loses its voice. When I celebrate my accomplishments, the troll retreats. When I receive a compliment and don’t apologize or minimize but instead say “thank you,” the troll is too livid to speak. When I keep mistakes in perspective and learn from them, the troll cannot mock my efforts. When I interrupt the lies the inner troll whispers by saying, out loud if necessary, SHUT UP, it goes silent.

A little dramatic? Fight fire with fire my friends.

Still, I occasionally fake it. That’s OK because my truthful inner voice reminds me to be patient with myself. I can and will replace the acting with true confidence.

What I tell myself about myself determines who I am and who I will become.

Wash, rinse, repeat - ignore the weakening whispers of the troll.